Updated: Jan 5
I used to wakeup "somewhere else" in the beginning of my healing.
Mornings were tough. I'd open my eyes and not know where or who I was. I felt gross, heavy, guilty, paralyzed and disoriented.
I'd have to wait a few minutes before my body would respond to my signals. I'd talk to myself, like, "Okay...my name is Delfina, I'm in my room, in my house, it's Tuesday and I'm safe."
Eventually I'd come crashing back into my body and cry or get extremely angry, or feel gross and disgusting. I'd have to get up and shower just to feel Ok.
I thought I wasn't a morning person, until I learned this was called dissociation.
I realized I hated mornings because I was actually re-experiencing unprocessed, unfelt feelings from childhood. All the years I'd woken up hating to be alive after what was being done to me were coming through dissociation in the first stages of my recovery.
This went on for about a year in 2010 when I first started remembering bits and pieces of my story. I had no control over dissociating, triggers, or any other feeling coming up for me. I had flashbacks and night terrors and would wake up in a cold-sweat most nights.
If you're a survivor of rape, this might be something going on for you immediately after your crisis. If you're an incest survivor, these trauma symptoms may be accompanying you in the early part of your 'remembering' and 'resurfacing' stage.
But don't worry, flashbacks end and the intensity of triggers and dissociation fade, until one day you will be trauma-free like I am today.
It took me 10 years to work through dissociation 'in the natural' until I was 'supernaturally' set-free from all my trauma symptoms. I relied of a self-care system to support, strengthen, and bring me back 'into my body' until I became trauma free in 2019. Click here for my self-care list.
Wherever you are on your healing journey is OK. You are on your way to a full recovery, no matter how heavy the present moment may feel and no matter what you've been through in the past. Healing is your birthright. You are not crazy. What you're going through is completely normal and expected after what you've been through. And even though every person's story is different, you are not alone in this fight. I am fighting right alongside you!
Your divine inheritance is to live trauma-free. If I could heal, you can heal.
For more of my story and how I became trigger and trauma-free, click here.
• Tips for Dealing With Dissociation
• Prayer for Dissociation
• Anti-Self-Care: The Dangerous Side of Dissociation